My Hands Would Like to Make Sweet, Sweet, But Ultimately Unfulfilling Love to You

by jen on February 11, 2008

It’s generally par for the course when the gym smells like cologne, especially in the weights area. So much testosterone and low self-esteem to mask.

But PEOPLE! People of 24 Hour Fitness!

THE HANDSOAP IN THE LADIES’ LOCKER ROOM??

Seriously, I can’t smell my hands without suddenly feeling the intense urge to take myself out to dinner at Buca di Beppo and finish the night off with some Sambuca and a meaningless tryst under a scratchy, pilled-up comforter my mom bought me in 1992 and I haven’t washed since 2006.

I have just confused myself with pronouns.

Do you think it’s too weird to bring your own handsoap to the gym?

Because really? It’s not healthy to spend your drive home debating what music the man who wears the same scent gracing your hands listens to when making love to a woman.

Oh, smell-o-net, where are you? I wish you could answer this for me.

In lieu of technological advances, however, I am going to give you my top 5 choices for what this man might listen to.

1. Creed
2. Gin Blossoms
3. Live
4. The Pretty in Pink soundtrack (ladies love that sh*t, yo!)
5. Post-1995 Red Hot Chili Peppers

And, as a bonus, I give you a top 5 list of the whoppers I have been treated to over the years. You know, if I had ever passed the state of driven snow.

1. Pink Floyd (duh, college boys are SO DEEP)
2. Congolese music
3. Massive Attack (duh, post-college boys are SO DEEP)
4. ENYA. Yes. I repeat: ENYA (WTHF????).
5. Not music, but such great comedy hits as “Stripes,” “Spies Like Us,” and my personal favorite, the way to every woman’s heart, Eddie Murphy’s “Raw.”

Dagny February 12, 2008 at 6:56 am

Oooo. That bit about women who order salads does it for me every time. Ummm, not. And yes, it may be time to start bringing your own soap.

-R- February 12, 2008 at 10:56 am

What is Congolese music? Music from the Congo? Sounds romantic!

I had a guy attempt to seduce me with Phil Collins once. The guy thought he was being so smooth.

Ursula February 12, 2008 at 1:10 pm

I LOVE the Pretty in Pink soundtrack. Was just thinking of getting the CD (I’m not sure I have the means to play the tape anymore). Did I tell you I bought the “Everything’s Duckie” version of the DVD at Target? Interviews with all the cast, costume director (she does not discuss “the dress,” unfortunately), John Hughes. Good stuff.

Aimlessly February 12, 2008 at 1:12 pm

OH NO…I just remembered that I was also seduced by ENYA. EEK!!!!! I had forgotten that…hahaha, good times, good times! And thank god I have found a gym without muscle heads and therefore mostly without cologne, although there was one guy in the gym who had on cologne the other day that was something from the late 80′s and he’s clearly been wearing the same cologne since high school. I had to keep myself from laughing out loud at him….it wasn’t easy.

Librarian Girl February 12, 2008 at 5:52 pm

Wait a minute… I had an Enya guy too! I am seeing a pattern here. WHAT THE HELL?

julie c February 12, 2008 at 6:02 pm

I’ve been checking in for days….what a goldmine blog entry for a boring library shift! Nice to know someone else besides me has a brain that asks these questions about strangers and their lovemaking music. Thanks!

Niki February 13, 2008 at 11:00 am

No Enya here, THANK GOD, but there is a lot of Cure and Depeche Mode in my past.

Also, inexplicably, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. WTF, former boyfriend?

abbersnail February 14, 2008 at 5:15 pm

Enya is awesome.

I myself have been treated to Rage Against the Machine, a wide assortment of cheesy classical music, and “Leather,” by Tori Amos, on repeat.

My ex was one KLASSY dude.

Kip February 14, 2008 at 10:44 pm

Hi Jen,
So, here I am, searching Google for some sort of link to the 1962 film of Jean-Paul Sartre’s “No Exit” (a request/challenge from my cousin’s mother-in-law), and the next thing I know – well, actually about 500 entries into the search – I’m on your blog. I think somewhere in the vast depths of your interestingly well-written and often hilarious stories, you might have mentioned Sartre. Although I did not actually come across the name-drop, I have to admit that I honestly spent the next HOUR or so – and I’m at work, mind you – reading AND highly enjoying everything about this ‘Jen’ person. You made me laugh a few times, for sure. I’m not one to read blogs, to be honest, and I don’t have one of my own. It’s not that I don’t like to write, it’s just that I know HOW I write and I just simply would never have enough time! Anyhow, on that note, I’ll cut it short here and just wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you are having a nice one, either out on the town or just curled up watching a movie/reading a book. I’d watch out for any combination of red wine, “When Harry Met Sally” and that handsoap – well, as long as you’re not driving!
Thanks for the entertainment!
Kip

saucygrrl February 19, 2008 at 12:52 pm

OMG! One of the guys I dated loved: Yani. And another one listed: Kansas.

Thank GOD I’m married to a Indie Pop DJ…

carolyn February 21, 2008 at 8:48 am

I hope Kip left you his email when he commented…perhaps a prospect for your #1 goal in the next post! :)

Kip February 22, 2008 at 4:29 am

Well, thank you, Carolyn! Perhaps Jen doesn’t always read her comments. I’ll be honest, like I hinted at before…I ain’t no hepcat when it comes to these blogs. I believe my eMail address was entered when I left my previous message. I did indeed want her to see my comments, but I could not send an eMail to her via Outlook – only as a comment to her most recent entry. So, I did leave the one you found – hoping she might see it. It looks like you saw it first! Do you mind passing the message on to her? She can reach me at Kip@TorridAffair.com…….just kidding!
It’s actually braintacomusic@msn.com … and I’ll keep checking back here (like I did tonight! – what a nice surprise!) Thanks!
Kip

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