The Big Goose Egg

by jen on September 7, 2005

It’s 10:15 on Wednesday night. Tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. I have my interview with one of the only big, sweatshop firms I have a chance with.

Five minutes ago I went to go empty the litter box and, because I am exhausted, totally banged my head on a shelf giving myself a nice big bump on one of my already prominent frontal protuberances.

My question.

Do I:

a) Stay up a couple extra hours icing my forehead in the hopes that the consequences of neither of the following two occasions reoccur:

  • That time in third grade when I played center field (before I moved up to third base) on my softball team and I took one between the eyes that quickly drained to my face until I had two black eyes for weeks.
  • That time in ninth grade when my normally gentle brother Jeff whacked me so hard I had a goose egg in the middle of my forehead so big it parted the waters of my hair-sprayed bangs.

b) Go to bed and hope for the best.

What makes this even THAT MUCH BETTER is Ethel. Ethel, who loves to bat things off their perches — earrings, water glasses, wine glasses FULL OF RED wine, my reading assignments. Bat them off and then either sleep on them or steal them away somewhere. Because Ethel has batted my concealer off into the dark underbelly of my apartment, never to be seen again.

I foresee an angry, black-eyed trip to Rite-Aid in the morning.

Kisses, Fred & Ethel!

Penny September 7, 2005 at 11:40 pm

oh good god jen…last night was horrible…be glad you didn’t go…be glad

Logan the Great September 8, 2005 at 5:41 am

It’s probably too late at this point, but what about a healthy helping of ice? And where are the pictures of this occasion? The swelling might be helped by the knowledge that you’ve provided a great deal of amusement to others…

carolyn September 8, 2005 at 7:47 am

you are really cracking me up today, but i know it’s so NOT FUNNY especially if the swelling hasn’t gone down. me and molly have already started writing a book on the many ways in which it is possible to injure oneself. for those who can’t seem to accomplish it as well as we can. want to join us? :)

maybe you’ll find the law firm is looking for a few good bruised women…

Gloria September 8, 2005 at 8:14 am

Isn’t sticking a steak on bruises supposed to help?

For red wine in the future, my trick is to pour as much salt (yes, regular table salt) on the spill while it’s still wet. Do not rub. Just pour salt liberally. Much later (like, when you’re in the mood to do so), vacuum the salt up. It works like magic.

And are you trying to say that you have a big forehead? Because you don’t, you silly goose (hee!).

Hope the interview went well, regardless.

Dagny September 8, 2005 at 8:38 am

The reason to have bangs is that they can be used to cover up when you have banged your forehead. I can be truly klutzy and have had to do that at times.

Gloria, thank you for the salt pointer. I had forgotten about that and will be sure to remember it when Natasha is tempted to spill yet another glass of red wine.

DDJ September 8, 2005 at 9:23 am

Carolyn, my thoughts exactly. “It looks like she handles bruising well. She will make a fine addition to the firm.”

Good luck with the interview!

laurie September 8, 2005 at 10:39 am

Well, they may feel like they can’t discriminate against “the candidate who had the birth defect on her forehead.” I’m just saying…

Anne September 8, 2005 at 11:42 am

Yikes… By now it must be over, and I bet you’ve wowed ‘em so much with what’s BEHIND the bump on your forehead that they figure it must just be your excessive brains erupting from your head.

If not, did you really want to work for a sweatshop?

Crystal September 8, 2005 at 11:58 am

Laurie made me snort coke out of my nose. Hope your the interview went well. I had wine spilled at my house last night – but it was white! Woohoo for white wine. Also – a wine glass may have been broken.

Gwen September 8, 2005 at 8:56 pm

I hope it went down and your interview went well! I am constantly bumping into things and bruising myself, so I can sympathize.

Also, when my sister was learning to walk, she hit her forehead so often in the same place that my parents had to tape a cushion made from a folded-up handkerchief on her head so the goose egg wouldn’t get any bigger. So if you find yourself bumping your head repeatedly, now you know what to do.

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